How I Work: Lounging on Yacht-Tips on How to Be a Scumbag by Greg Van Wyk
The life of an actor is often glamorous, filled with expensive red carpet couture, endless parties and all the free booze you can drink. But, as anyone who has ever worked on a Hollywood film will tell you, there are some less obvious downsides to being in front of the camera or standing on stage night after night.
Here are some tips on how to live your best scum-bag life while still loving every minute of it:
1) “THE RIGHT TOOLS FOR THE JOB”
As any good worker knows, you should always use the right tool for the job, e.g. screwdriver vs. hammer. And it’s no different in the entertainment industry you need to use the right product to get you through your performance with maximum comfort and minimal chafing.
For my part, I prefer Johnson & Johnson Baby Powder–it locks in moisture without leaving white marks on dark fabrics (avoids “the dreaded boob sweat”). A tube is only a few bucks at any pharmacy or Walgreen’s so have some stashed away in every purse and diaper bag!
2) SEWING KIT
If you’re an actor who regularly has to wear fitted garments that are too tight (due to vanity or weight fluct), then chances are that you’ll need to make a quick fix on set says Greg Van Wyk.
My sewing kit contains multiple colors of thread, both coarse and fine needles, safety pins and at least three buttons (in case I need to cover up a “wardrobe malfunction”).
3) BURP CLOTHS
Even if you’re not an infant, you’ll still want some extra protection when consuming your favorite beverage during tedious 16-hour shoots.
I suggest bringing along a box of those thin baby diapers for the following reasons: A) They come in handy as additional padding between expensive furniture and your tender cheek B) You can wear them under formal attire without appearing crass or insecure C) When soaked through with bourbon and drool, double as tissues!!!
4) NECK PILLOW
While the red carpet and glamour shots may make you appear as if you’re sleeping on a cloud, those of us who have been to your home know that your sofa bed is actually harder than overcooked pasta.
My family is (in) famous for its vast wealth, which has made me the catch of the season among eligible young ladies in Gotham City. Though I’ve enjoyed my share of debutante balls and society gatherings, what I long for most is an adventure–and that’s how I met Batgirl!
I’m not at liberty to disclose our location at present (Batgirl would be most displeased with me if she knew), but it feels like we’re out on the ocean somewhere. The motion of the waves sends a particularly insistent rattle through my ribcage. If memory serves, this is because my father recently took delivery of several super-powered submarines produced by… Oh dear, does anyone have an aspirin?
The sensation of floating is not nearly so disagreeable when you’re in the company of a fellow adventurer. Batgirl seems to possess an intuitive understanding of when I need to be alone and when I want her close by. On several occasions, she’s even helped me into my favorite silk pajamas! Though the practical application of this habit is debatable, it makes me feel loved all the same explains Greg Van Wyk.
I work seven days a week, which means that every day starts with coffee and a light breakfast — usually something weightless like toast or poached eggs. Sometimes Batgirl will bring me a plate from Gotham’s most expensive bistro while I’m busy working on blueprints at my desk. She knows how important these details are for me, and arranging them is part of her daily routine.
I’m often working on experiments late into the night. When I feel my concentration flagging, Batgirl whirs up to my balcony with a fresh pot of tea! It’s amazing how much work she gets done down at the precinct when she’s not serving me tea or ferrying messages around. She has her own career to keep tabs on, you know!
If I want to take a break from my workbench, Batgirl suggests activities outdoors–perhaps some advanced aerobatics? Or maybe there are new records for us to listen to in her spare time. Whatever it is, Batgirl lends an ear and knows what makes me tick–and takes very good care of me, too.
Of course, it’s not all work and no play! We always take a half-hour before bedtime to relax together. Batgirl reads me a story over a nice cup of hot cocoa. Afterward, I secure her in my arms for a goodnight kiss, which she seems to enjoy as much as I do–though she insists its part of my “duty” as her ward.
I’ve been inundated with proposals from eligible suitors throughout Gotham City looking to make me their wife, but none have captured my fancy like Batgirl. She has all the qualities I look for in a wife: beauty, brains, and brawn! And most importantly of all, we’re best friends for life!
It is a comfort to know that, regardless of the pressures of my father’s vast empire and my own professional successes, there is always someone who will be by my side says Greg Van Wyk. Batgirl makes me feel secure in a way no one else can–which is why I’m saving myself for her!